April 23, 2014

love will save your soul. (or so i have been told.)


i have always loved the idea of love. ever since i was able to comprehend the word, i knew that i needed someone to love in my life. not only my family, i needed someone "special". i fell in love with everything after that. oh, the sky is a beautiful shade of blue? gotta fall in love with it.

in the midst of all this "love", my teenage, hormonal self met a very cute boy in the eighth grade who showed a teeny tiny bit of interest in my awkward self. i managed to muster up the courage to ask this boy for his number and he miraculously recited the digits. (and they were the correct ones. obviously i had something going for me.) nonstop texting occurred every night for weeks. glances across the school courtyard were all i needed for that particular day to be a good one. i was OBSESSED. he was adorable, and i convinced myself that we would be the world's most attractive couple ever. i also daydreamed about kissing said boy. a lot of kissing.


anyway, fast forward about a month or so and we're at a promotion party. i guess it's a pretty big deal  if you make it through eighth grade? who knew. well, said cute boy is kissing his ex girlfriend at a party. (i find out, get sad, eat cake.) SEE THE EATING MY FEELINGS THING STARTED HERE. i thought that i loved him. at the time, i thought i was going to marry him. oh, eighth grade naive me.


fast forward once again to my sophomore year of high school. i met a very cute boy, through a close friend. nice hair, cute smile, silly personality, awesome music taste (aka the most important quality in a male). it took awhile, but eventually we started talking. (well, i mean, texting talking. total twenty-first century problems.) anyway, he kissed me and i thought i was in love. then cue the inevitable heartbreak when two people are living opposite lives. for the next few months (and let's be real, the next few years) i struggled with wondering if i was in love with him. i still do, sometimes. i still do wonder.


with my junior year of high school came my first ever boyfriend. it was awesome, having an automatic date everywhere i went. oh bowling? let me bring my boyfriend. prom? already have a date secured. go me! all the other relationship-like things were amazing too. experiencing them with someone that i had known for six years was so special to me. nine months later it ended on a good note, we simply worked better as the best friends we were before we started dating.

i thought i had been in love at that point, which is probably the beauty in an innocent high school relationship. i look back on my years of loving everything that existed and wonder if it even was love. i thought i had clearly defined love when i was "in love". but looking back, love is supposed to make you feel whole, or so we're told. (there are a lot of misconceptions about love.) i have never felt whole when i have been "with" another human.(see, hence the misconception i think.)

i am at that point in my life where i question EVERYTHING. why does my iphone battery only last .5 seconds? why are people rude? why is college a thing? why am i not married to tom brady? love is one of those things i have been questioning. does love even exist? what is love? how do you know when you're in love?



i believe in unconditional love, and i think that it ultimately what i search for. conditional love does not satisfy me. and that is the main issue here. i search for something that another human (besides my awesome family) cannot give me. i believe that there are different kinds of love. i believe that the definition of love changes. i still believe in love despite ending up heartbroken more times than not.

i also believe that in love's case, you just put one foot in front of the other, one foot in front of the other. because we have to believe in love. i need to believe in something bigger than myself. i need to believe that one morning i will wake up next to the love of my life and be happy, knowing that i have someone to live my life with.


(or at least that's what i'm telling myself until my own dr. mcdreamy comes along.)

March 15, 2014

duke, duke, duke.

hi all! this blog seems to go untouched, but it has been on my mind lately. i have missed writing on this little piece of internet. i have made a "kind of maybe promise" to myself that i will try my best to keep it updated from now on. i am changing so rapidly, this time in my life is a big one. i want to try to document it here, for my future children and family to see. and just so we're clear, this picture was only taken last summer. i look so young. 


for those of you who don't know (or don't remember), my family made the decision to get a great dane puppy weeks before i entered my freshman year of high school. i still remember the hour and half long drive to go get this little, yet large headed puppy. (really though, he looked like a bobble head.) he was so precious and stole all of our hearts immediately. 

years pass, and this puppy and i are growing up together. i am learning, he is learning (mainly not to pee in the house and not to bite people). he became my best friend. he would ALWAYS be happy to see me when i got home. he would miss me when i left for trips, especially when i started going back to boston this year. my mom would send me pictures of him laying in my bed while i was gone. he was so emotional, sounds crazy, but it was true. he was always there to hug and cuddle. but most importantly, he was my constant throughout my years in high school. my parents and sister were always there, but so was duke. he would be there to cuddle with when boys broke my heart, when my grades were horrible, or when i was fighting with my parents. my parents joke that he didn't really love me, but i think we all knew that he loved me more than anyone (except my mom). 

i think we had one of the best human-dog relationships out there. this may or may not be linked to the fact that i would feed him pizza and cheese under the table. still under debate.

... 

this past thursday, march thirteenth, i was getting in my car in the driveway to drive to school. i heard a whimpering of some sort, so i yelled over our fence at my dad, just to make sure everything was okay. he yelled back to get my mother, who was in her bedroom. i ran so fast. i got her, and grabbed the phone on the way too. five minutes later, i was called to the backyard. 

just minutes earlier, duke had been running around and playing in the backyard, when he suddenly collapsed. he died in my dad's arms. just like that. it was so sudden. my parents came to the conclusion that it was most likely a heart attack.

the whole family sat in the backyard, petting and loving on him. there was no heartbeat, but we took him to the vet just to make sure. there, he was officially pronounced dead. after almost four lovely years, my huge puppy left earth. saying goodbye to him, laying on the cold, stainless steel table at the vet, was the hardest and most emotional thing i have ever done. i cried out all of my mascara (and trust me, i wear a lot). the cries came in heaving, heavy sobs. they didn't stop for hours. 

as i kissed him goodbye for the last time, i whispered something in his ear. i thanked him for making it through my high school years. i will be eternally thankful for that. he was always my "emotional support system" and he showed me what unconditional love is, in a way that my family never could. he taught me how to forgive and how to not take things so seriously. i will always be grateful for this.


that day, i made the decision to post something on instagram. i received so many loving comments, people were just as shocked at his passing as i was. i received so many supportive and loving text messages, as well. i was honestly shocked at the outpouring of love from my friends. it helped my get through the day knowing that so many people are here for me.

in the days since his death, there has been a lot of crying. i never knew this much crying was possible. duke was such a big part of my life. a lot of the time, i would come home from school at lunch to pick food up, but more importantly to cuddle for a couple minutes with duke. duke was the reason why i wanted to come home. he was always so happy to see me and he ALWAYS had a toy in his mouth.

i know that i will get through this, and i know that it will make me stronger. every day seems like a daunting, scary task. but i am learning that sometimes you just have to put one foot in front of the other and repeat. sometimes that is all you can do. and that is perfectly acceptable. 


duke, i miss you and your shenanigans so much. i believe that all dogs go to heaven, so i hope that you are reunited with our other dogs, or cuddling with Jesus (as one of my best friends said). you'll be missed, but i know you are running around chasing squirrels in heaven right now. i will always love you, puppy.






if you made it this far, i congratulate you. from the bottom of the heart, i love you all. i am going to try my best to keep up with my piece of internet. just be patient, please. again, i love you all.

July 26, 2013

on top of the world.

almost a whole year has gone by without anything new written on here. so here goes a shot at nothing, but a shot at everything at the same time.

this big dog (duke) and i get along quite wonderfully. he's the best.


a couple of days ago, i was reflecting on last year. things were so very different. when i think about it, i realize how much everything has changed, how much i have changed. i've held the same job for a year. i have been driving for a year. in this year, i have grown so much. i have realized a lot about myself, my needs, what i look for in friends, the people i need to surround myself with. i never thought i would be standing where i am today. (where i am is pretty damn amazing, by the way.)

in this year, i have had friendships come and go. i have become best friends with some people i never dreamed would ever be in my life. i cherish every single one of my friendships, because they each have something to teach me. 

and in this past year, my first relationship came to be. last fall, it started with one of my best friends asked me to the homecoming dance. after the dance (a few days after to be exact), he asked me to be his girlfriend. i said yes, and it has been absolutely amazing. almost nine months later, we're still standing strong.(cheesy, but true.) 

that's my life as of now. just throw in family and lots and lots of school and you have it all. i can honestly sit here, behind my little computer screen, and say that i am happy. i never expected my life to take the turns it did, but all of those twists and turns made me into the person i am today. i'm excited to see what the next school year holds for me. hopefully it will be less stressful compared to the last. one can only hope.

as for this little piece of internet, who knows what the future holds? i'm hoping that i will be able to find more time to document more of my life here. i've really missed blogging. i've missed documenting all of the small but important moments in my life. an honest effort is going to be made in keeping this blog semi-up to date on my life. 

let's cross our fingers that it actually happens though.



* since i seem to be better at twitter, come tweet with me here. tweeting has become an everyday thing. 



happy summer. 


September 11, 2012

september eleventh.


i remember this day, eleven years ago, almost like it was yesterday. i was five years old (almost six!), and i was getting ready for another day of kindergarten. my five year old self was excited about what the day held. both my parents were awake that morning, and i walked out of my room in my school uniform and i turned to the television. they were both watching it, eyes fixed on the images before them. i remember sitting down to see what they were so focused on; i remember seeing the twin towers, clouds of smoke, and my mother crying. my mother turned to me and told me that i would not be going to school that day. she told me that she had no idea what was going on and that today was just going to be a fun day with her and my little sister.

i remember excitement about they day at home, but also wondering what had happened to cause this impromptu day home. my parents were talking in hushed tones, 'what if they do it to schools? how do we know for a fact that she'll be safe?'. they finally told me what had happened, and my naive five year old self wondered how anyone could be so mean. 

as the years went by and many anniversaries of that fateful day occurred, i began to learn more and more about that day. history classes taught and taught about what had happened. as i grew older, i also grew wiser and less naive. i began to realize what hate was and how hate causes actions like the ones on september 11th, 2001.

this morning i watched president obama's beautiful anniversary speech. even today, tears form in my eyes when i think about what happened and how many lives were lost. 

i think it is safe to say that i will remember that morning in 2001 forever. it is a day i will tell and educate my children, my grandchildren, and hopefully my great-grandchildren about.






i will forever remember september 11,2001 and all those whose lives were lost and who bravely fought for our country. thank you. thank you.

September 4, 2012

as the sun rose this morning, so did my love for you.