April 7, 2015

the king.

i didn't like king for the first few days we had him. king was adorable (probably the cutest thing ever), don't get me wrong. i don't know what i was expecting, really. i just know in those first moments with him he didn't quite live up to those imaginary expectations. he was the latest addition to the family, arriving july of last year. he stole all of our hearts the second he was born. he was gray as a cloudy sky (the proper name for his coat is blue) and his eyes were as beautiful and as deep as the sea. his eyes got droopy and pink late at night. he was cute, beautiful, loving, patient, and kind. he was the epitome of a gentle giant. he was also called an internet celebrity. you know, no big deal.

i moved "out" of my house and onto my college campus late september. i placed out in quotes because anyone that knows me knows that i come home pretty much every weekend. i mean come on. a, it is hard to stay away. b, my family is a million kinds of awesome. c, with a dog this cute, wouldn't you want to come home and see him too?

every time i would come home, king would know. he came to realize that when he heard the beep my car makes when i lock it, i would walk through the front door a few seconds later. he was very, very intelligent. like, he taught himself to open our kitchen door intelligent. my mom was obviously very impressed. i mean, who wouldn't be? i don't really want to say it, but here goes. chances are king was a hell of a lot smarter than i am.

king and i had a rather rough start, as mentioned before. he was adorable as a puppy. don't get me wrong. but he was very "mouthy", the teeth were the first thing that came out. i would have scratches all along my arms and hands. he never really was into the whole eating shoes thing, but but he did love to eat me!

king grew and he grew. in his last days, as sick as he was, if i got a little too close to him he would snap at me. he always regarded me as the annoying litter mate, the annoying little sister. (my mother's words, not mine.) i think we were both just cranky. i gave as good as i received. too bad i did not give a damn and continued to smother the poor dog in affection anyways. oh well.

in february, king was diagnosed with kennel cough. when he wasn't getting any better despite the numerous antibiotics prescribed, my mom took him into the vet to get x-rays. well. that went south pretty quick. the x-rays showed fluid in his lungs as well as an intestinal blockage. vets took him back to do the surgery to take out the blockage. ten minutes they came out.

in addition to the the blockage, king had congestive heart failure. he had an enlarged heart because of this. because of these two things, his heart would not be able to take the anesthesia that the doctors would have to give him to put him to sleep and take out the blockage. they thought said blockage was a sock. well fun fact, a few days later nothing came out but big poops.

anyways. the "sentence" king was given by a dog cardiologist (okay who even knew those existed?!?!?) was that he had roughly six to nine months to live and continue biting and growling at me. it is all about me after all. the doctor said he was the healthiest dog he had ever seen this condition in but he was dying, yes. but he was still in decent health.

my parents brought king home and brought home the news. i then spent weeks and weeks smothering the dog with my attention and love every second of every weekend. i came home to watch him when my mom would go somewhere. we would nap together. although, he probably slept with one eye open, thinking i would pull a fast one and force him to spoon me. i vowed to enjoy every day i had with him.

and that we did. little did we really know at the time, king loooooooooooved fetching the ball and he loved playing with frisbees. he could only do it for a few minutes here and there because of his heart, but we still managed to have a good time. fast forward to about a month ago, my loving mother FINALLY let me feed him popsicles. well, that was a hit. i think he maybe grew a tad fond of me after that? maybe just a tad?

king's heath nosedived about three weeks ago. it was harder for him to breathe. he had zero interest in any food. even the "yum balls" as my mom called them. my mom went out and bought various ingredients for these balls. they had pork, cream cheese, ground beef, butter, and a bunch of other yummy things in them. MY MOM MADE THEM FROM SCRATCH. from scratch! and he would just turn his adorable nose up as if he was saying "nope mom i'm too good for those too". he would spend all day outside, wanting nothing to do with the family as well. this was the hardest part for me. after doing some reading about dogs, i came across an article about what dogs do when they know they are sick and/or dying. dogs separate themselves from the pack. and that is exactly what king was doing.

my loving boyfriend had planned a trip for us to go to an angels spring training game in arizona for my spring break. we were going to be gone sunday through wednesday. i sent a shy, shy message saying something like this: "please please please don't be mad and please love me still but can we please only go for sunday and monday and come back tuesday?". well, come on. he said yes. i explained about king, much of which he had seen that same night. (oh, king LOVED LOVED LOVED the boyfriend. i mean LOVE. TRUE LOVE. king would always greet him with a toy in his mouth.)

we went on our merry way to arizona. we had an amazing time at the baseball game. i received a nice sunburn and now there is a tan line from my watch. (thanks arizona. thanks.) i was worried sick about king, of course. but my mom and i had spoken before i left and she told me that i have to live my life. i have to keep moving on. that i will never be this young and that this particular opportunity might not present itself again.

the boyfriend and i decided to stop at the grand canyon before driving back to california. on our way there, i received a call from my house. my mom told me that they had put king to sleep the night before, which would make it monday night. once i talked to her for a little bit, i hung up the phone. i cried for a little bit. but you know what? king is in such a better place now. he is healthy, running around in dog heaven. i am sure of it.

it's no secret that God and i have had our issues. i used to be mormon, then catholic, and now i really do not know. i know that God exists and i believe in fate. i believe God has a plan for all of us. i believe in my heart that God sent king to my family and me because He knew that king would be loved and cared for. He knew that we would love king to pieces despite our too short time with him. and we did. i also believe that God sent king to us (me in particular) to try and teach me some damn patience. it worked, at least a little bit. i learned to lay off of king (literally) and to be patient. king would come to me when he wanted love. (and EVENTUALLY he did. greatest feeling ever ever ever.)

i believe that king is in a better place, running around with all of our other dogs. king is finally eating again. he is eating all the popsicles heaven can provide. he is finally healthy again. and that is enough to keep me going.

i miss him terribly. i still turn corners in my house and expect him to be there. i still wander into my parents' room and expect him to be sprawled out on their bed. i still beep my car remote to let him know i'm home. i miss him so much. every damn day.

February 18, 2015

on what going greek means to me.

oh hey look, it's my twin and my big!

i made the decision to go greek last may. i received a scholarship from the san gabriel panhellenic alumnae i applied to in my senior year of high school. i wasn't entirely convinced on the greek system (hello hollywood portrayals of the greek system!) but i attended a luncheon to accept my scholarship. there, i met women who were a part of various sororities who spoke of their college years being amazing and life changing. i wanted that. i knew i needed it. 

when the hot, long month of august rolled around i finally decided to google formal sorority recruitment for cal poly pomona. after filling out six (SIX) pages of information about myself, i clicked submit. weeks later i found myself at a meeting. days after that i greeted recruitment weekend with fancy new dresses and a smile, along with lots of nerves. LOTS OF THEM. LOTS. 

the first day i went to four "parties". (perks of only having four panhellenic sororities, much easier to remember.) here at the party, members of the sorority came up and introduced themselves and would ask questions like "what's your major", "why do you want to join a sorority", and things of that nature. with each and every party came a dull headache, but also excitement. each sorority was different in its own way, which i loved. i saw myself in every house. however at the end of the night, i had narrowed it down to three out of the four houses. 

day two arrived before i knew it. i wanted to sleep more. (recruitment is exhausting. trust me.) i woke up though, excited for another day of meeting new girls and hopefully being one step closer to finding my "home away from home". when i arrived at check in, i pulled out my itinerary for the day and saw i was called back to two houses. SO EXCITING! i was so excited. i immediately called my mom. (she was excited too!) i went to the two parties that day and walked back to my dorm that night, leaning towards one sorority in particular.

day three came and the nerves were high. i had no idea what to expect on the last and final day of recruitment. i was invited back to the same two sororities as day two. i knew in my heart which sorority was my first choice but i still kept an open mind. i went to both of the "parties", which helped  me decide which i was going to put as my first choice. i did that at the end of the night, walked back to my dorm, and fell right to sleep.

monday was finally here. bid day. at 3pm, i would find out which sorority had given me a bid. a bid is basically an invitation to join a particular sorority or fraternity. (definitely sorority in my case though.) i got there early and there was already a line of girls. you could feel the excitement in the air. the eager chit-chat filled the hall. finally i walked into the room and made my way to the table. i ripped open the envelope i received. A BID! I RECEIVED A BID! I RECEIVED A BID FROM SIGMA KAPPA! i was so excited. i went over to grab my bid day t shirt. i changed with my new sisters and we walked over to where we would be "running home". 

running home has been my favorite experience so far. one by one, the new pledge class of each sorority ran home to their respective houses. i ran home, being grabbed and hugged by my new sisters.


almost six months later, i can happily say that joining a sorority is the best decision i have made for myself. i have been able to become close to so many of my sisters. i have sisters! i have a little over a hundred of them! as many of you know, i have a little sister who is fourteen. but this is different. a lot different. and i love it. 

a little bit about halfway into your new member period you receive a big sister. i knew nycole was meant to be my big sister from the second we sat down at brunch together. during big/little reveal, when nycole finally revealed that she was my big sister, i almost cried of happiness. and then imagine my excitement when she revealed something else to me, i had a twin sister! that was the most exciting thing probably ever in the history of my life. (no joke.) as mackenzie and i continue to grow even closer, we realize we really are twins. i mean, the same thing comes out of our mouth at the same time sometimes. come on. if my family arrangement wasn't meant to be, i don't know what is. 

it has been amazing being able to make memories that will last a lifetime with this great group of women i am proud to call my sisters. i have finally found an environment i am comfortable in and a group of people i have come to love unconditionally. thursday before last, my mom called me to tell me that our dog king was really sick. (he's fine now, rest assured.) he had something stuck in his intestine and it was unclear whether or not he would make it through the night. i put something on our chapter's facebook page, asking for prayers for the dog. immediately, my sisters commented that they would be praying for my family and me. people texted me. although i have an amazing family and a wonderful boyfriend, it is really nice to have yet another support system in the form of my sorority.

wearing my letters (jackets with the greek letters sigma and kappa on them), i am so proud to call myself a sigma kappa. i am so proud to be part of something bigger than myself. i am so proud to have a group of wonderful people to call my sisters. i know they will be there through anything and everything.

and that, is something i have looked for forever.

April 23, 2014

love will save your soul. (or so i have been told.)

i have always loved the idea of love. ever since i was able to comprehend the word, i knew that i needed someone to love in my life. not only my family, i needed someone "special". i fell in love with everything after that. oh, the sky is a beautiful shade of blue? gotta fall in love with it.

in the midst of all this "love", my teenage, hormonal self met a very cute boy in the eighth grade who showed a teeny tiny bit of interest in my awkward self. i managed to muster up the courage to ask this boy for his number and he miraculously recited the digits. (and they were the correct ones. obviously i had something going for me.) nonstop texting occurred every night for weeks. glances across the school courtyard were all i needed for that particular day to be a good one. i was OBSESSED. he was adorable, and i convinced myself that we would be the world's most attractive couple ever. i also daydreamed about kissing said boy. a lot of kissing.

anyway, fast forward about a month or so and we're at a promotion party. i guess it's a pretty big deal  if you make it through eighth grade? who knew. well, said cute boy is kissing his ex girlfriend at a party. (i find out, get sad, eat cake.) SEE THE EATING MY FEELINGS THING STARTED HERE. i thought that i loved him. at the time, i thought i was going to marry him. oh, eighth grade naive me.

fast forward once again to my sophomore year of high school. i met a very cute boy, through a close friend. nice hair, cute smile, silly personality, awesome music taste (aka the most important quality in a male). it took awhile, but eventually we started talking. (well, i mean, texting talking. total twenty-first century problems.) anyway, he kissed me and i thought i was in love. then cue the inevitable heartbreak when two people are living opposite lives. for the next few months (and let's be real, the next few years) i struggled with wondering if i was in love with him. i still do, sometimes. i still do wonder.

with my junior year of high school came my first ever boyfriend. it was awesome, having an automatic date everywhere i went. oh bowling? let me bring my boyfriend. prom? already have a date secured. go me! all the other relationship-like things were amazing too. experiencing them with someone that i had known for six years was so special to me. nine months later it ended on a good note, we simply worked better as the best friends we were before we started dating.

i thought i had been in love at that point, which is probably the beauty in an innocent high school relationship. i look back on my years of loving everything that existed and wonder if it even was love. i thought i had clearly defined love when i was "in love". but looking back, love is supposed to make you feel whole, or so we're told. (there are a lot of misconceptions about love.) i have never felt whole when i have been "with" another human.(see, hence the misconception i think.)

i am at that point in my life where i question EVERYTHING. why does my iphone battery only last .5 seconds? why are people rude? why is college a thing? why am i not married to tom brady? love is one of those things i have been questioning. does love even exist? what is love? how do you know when you're in love?

i believe in unconditional love, and i think that it ultimately what i search for. conditional love does not satisfy me. and that is the main issue here. i search for something that another human (besides my awesome family) cannot give me. i believe that there are different kinds of love. i believe that the definition of love changes. i still believe in love despite ending up heartbroken more times than not.

i also believe that in love's case, you just put one foot in front of the other, one foot in front of the other. because we have to believe in love. i need to believe in something bigger than myself. i need to believe that one morning i will wake up next to the love of my life and be happy, knowing that i have someone to live my life with.

(or at least that's what i'm telling myself until my own dr. mcdreamy comes along.)

March 15, 2014

duke, duke, duke.

hi all! this blog seems to go untouched, but it has been on my mind lately. i have missed writing on this little piece of internet. i have made a "kind of maybe promise" to myself that i will try my best to keep it updated from now on. i am changing so rapidly, this time in my life is a big one. i want to try to document it here, for my future children and family to see. and just so we're clear, this picture was only taken last summer. i look so young. 

for those of you who don't know (or don't remember), my family made the decision to get a great dane puppy weeks before i entered my freshman year of high school. i still remember the hour and half long drive to go get this little, yet large headed puppy. (really though, he looked like a bobble head.) he was so precious and stole all of our hearts immediately. 

years pass, and this puppy and i are growing up together. i am learning, he is learning (mainly not to pee in the house and not to bite people). he became my best friend. he would ALWAYS be happy to see me when i got home. he would miss me when i left for trips, especially when i started going back to boston this year. my mom would send me pictures of him laying in my bed while i was gone. he was so emotional, sounds crazy, but it was true. he was always there to hug and cuddle. but most importantly, he was my constant throughout my years in high school. my parents and sister were always there, but so was duke. he would be there to cuddle with when boys broke my heart, when my grades were horrible, or when i was fighting with my parents. my parents joke that he didn't really love me, but i think we all knew that he loved me more than anyone (except my mom). 

i think we had one of the best human-dog relationships out there. this may or may not be linked to the fact that i would feed him pizza and cheese under the table. still under debate.


this past thursday, march thirteenth, i was getting in my car in the driveway to drive to school. i heard a whimpering of some sort, so i yelled over our fence at my dad, just to make sure everything was okay. he yelled back to get my mother, who was in her bedroom. i ran so fast. i got her, and grabbed the phone on the way too. five minutes later, i was called to the backyard. 

just minutes earlier, duke had been running around and playing in the backyard, when he suddenly collapsed. he died in my dad's arms. just like that. it was so sudden. my parents came to the conclusion that it was most likely a heart attack.

the whole family sat in the backyard, petting and loving on him. there was no heartbeat, but we took him to the vet just to make sure. there, he was officially pronounced dead. after almost four lovely years, my huge puppy left earth. saying goodbye to him, laying on the cold, stainless steel table at the vet, was the hardest and most emotional thing i have ever done. i cried out all of my mascara (and trust me, i wear a lot). the cries came in heaving, heavy sobs. they didn't stop for hours. 

as i kissed him goodbye for the last time, i whispered something in his ear. i thanked him for making it through my high school years. i will be eternally thankful for that. he was always my "emotional support system" and he showed me what unconditional love is, in a way that my family never could. he taught me how to forgive and how to not take things so seriously. i will always be grateful for this.

that day, i made the decision to post something on instagram. i received so many loving comments, people were just as shocked at his passing as i was. i received so many supportive and loving text messages, as well. i was honestly shocked at the outpouring of love from my friends. it helped my get through the day knowing that so many people are here for me.

in the days since his death, there has been a lot of crying. i never knew this much crying was possible. duke was such a big part of my life. a lot of the time, i would come home from school at lunch to pick food up, but more importantly to cuddle for a couple minutes with duke. duke was the reason why i wanted to come home. he was always so happy to see me and he ALWAYS had a toy in his mouth.

i know that i will get through this, and i know that it will make me stronger. every day seems like a daunting, scary task. but i am learning that sometimes you just have to put one foot in front of the other and repeat. sometimes that is all you can do. and that is perfectly acceptable. 

duke, i miss you and your shenanigans so much. i believe that all dogs go to heaven, so i hope that you are reunited with our other dogs, or cuddling with Jesus (as one of my best friends said). you'll be missed, but i know you are running around chasing squirrels in heaven right now. i will always love you, puppy.

if you made it this far, i congratulate you. from the bottom of the heart, i love you all. i am going to try my best to keep up with my piece of internet. just be patient, please. again, i love you all.

July 26, 2013

on top of the world.

almost a whole year has gone by without anything new written on here. so here goes a shot at nothing, but a shot at everything at the same time.

this big dog (duke) and i get along quite wonderfully. he's the best.

a couple of days ago, i was reflecting on last year. things were so very different. when i think about it, i realize how much everything has changed, how much i have changed. i've held the same job for a year. i have been driving for a year. in this year, i have grown so much. i have realized a lot about myself, my needs, what i look for in friends, the people i need to surround myself with. i never thought i would be standing where i am today. (where i am is pretty damn amazing, by the way.)

in this year, i have had friendships come and go. i have become best friends with some people i never dreamed would ever be in my life. i cherish every single one of my friendships, because they each have something to teach me. 

and in this past year, my first relationship came to be. last fall, it started with one of my best friends asked me to the homecoming dance. after the dance (a few days after to be exact), he asked me to be his girlfriend. i said yes, and it has been absolutely amazing. almost nine months later, we're still standing strong.(cheesy, but true.) 

that's my life as of now. just throw in family and lots and lots of school and you have it all. i can honestly sit here, behind my little computer screen, and say that i am happy. i never expected my life to take the turns it did, but all of those twists and turns made me into the person i am today. i'm excited to see what the next school year holds for me. hopefully it will be less stressful compared to the last. one can only hope.

as for this little piece of internet, who knows what the future holds? i'm hoping that i will be able to find more time to document more of my life here. i've really missed blogging. i've missed documenting all of the small but important moments in my life. an honest effort is going to be made in keeping this blog semi-up to date on my life. 

let's cross our fingers that it actually happens though.

* since i seem to be better at twitter, come tweet with me here. tweeting has become an everyday thing. 

happy summer.